In January, I got a cat. His name is Ollie. He is evil.
Here’s why.
1. Dead things. Dead things everywhere
“Here is a mouse I have lovingly prepared for you.”
My housemates sent me this photo while I was having after-work drinks. Thanks, guys.
2. He screams at three in the morning for attention
Kiddo can make decibels when he wants to.
3. Looking for attention but then “love biting”
If this is a sign of love, I no longer want affection in my life.
Owning a cat summed up in three photos.
4. The cat-level-intense staring
Why are you staring at me like that, Oliver?
Like there’s intense, and then there’s intense.
5. The neighbourhood drams
Oliver is currently the whipping boy of the massive fat ginger cat who lives next door. This ginger bastard once sauntered into our garden, looked into our kitchen, stared us all dead in the eye, and took a shit in our flower bed.
We all know who the bitch is here.
In fairness, I’d say that big ginger bastard could beat me in a fight too.
6. He won’t wear his bandana
He cares little about how cute it is.
LOOK AT IT.
His lack of sartorial awareness breaks my heart.
7. Verbal harassment if I don’t immediately pay attention
“Oh you want to have a conversation with one of your housemates? THINK AGAIN.”
8. Ignoring every toy he’s been bought
In lieu of scrunched up bits of paper. That was €100 well-spent.
First and last time he played with this.
His favourite toys are dead things.
9. Knocking the TV over
We were watching the Eurovision when Oliver straight-up body-slammed the telly.
10. Helping when I do stuff on my computer
Somehow he often manages to arrange his little foot-beans so as to push the exact combination of keys required to turn the screen at a right angle.
This is what helping looks like.
The shorthand to fix that is CTRL + ALT + LEFT. This was new to me.
11. Attacking my toes
All the time. God forbid I dare to move them during the night.
12. Putting his little arse right in my face
Thank you for spreading your poo-germs. Really appreciate it. A+ catting.
13. Only cuddling when he wants to
No snugs for you.
This is him when I last needed him. Ignoring me with all the grace of a Caravaggio.
Sometimes he’ll look like he wants cuddles, but will do a last second pivot.
Asshole.
14. He put a mouse in my bed
This is an extension of point one, but it was traumatic enough to warrant another mention on this list.
Also, 23 is a lot.
15. He steals food
Even when he has his cat food in his bowl, he will go hardcore for butter.
Ollie really likes butter.
16. He’s training me and not vice-versa
I tried; I really did.
“Das cute how you say I’m not allowed in your bed.”
Essentially, I live in his world.
17. He tries to eat buttons
Also string-ties on pyjamas. Human clothes are not sacred.
18. Kneading strafes the line between cute and painful
Like, can you please put your very sharp, very pointy little claws away?
19. One time he got in the washing machine
Who even knows. Also please ignore the dirt on the washing machine. That is gone now. I swear.
*Shrugs.*
20. Another time he got stuck in a press and was too afraid to jump down
“Please help.”
Another time he got stuck behind the toilet and nearly clawed me to death when I tried to help.
21. He knows exactly how to woo me with his cuteness
I mean seriously.
That middle pic is my screensaver.
That says a lot about me.
22. His dissatisfaction is such that he has turned to drink
“I only drink Grey Goose.”
#bants
23. He knows I would never get rid of him
Little shit or not, he’s still mine.
In summary: I know the pain of raising a child who doesn’t love me.
Follow me on Twitter for more whining. It’ll be fun.
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