Millennials are the devil and I’m here to prove it through mass media and online publications.
After all, if it’s published in a thinkpiece on the internet it’s invariably true.
Just ask Donald Trump. There was no way he would ever win the election, right? So, politics included, what else have millennials ruined?
9 things millennials ruined in 2016
1. The workforce
Sandy Hingston is Deputy Editor of Philadelphia Magazine. I hadn’t heard of her (or her magazine) before I started researching this piece, but I am a millennial so probably I can’t read.
Or if I can read, my upper limit is 140 characters. Because millennials.
Anyway, in her piece Hingston posits:
I have a special interest in millennials. It’s the same sort of interest I have in car wrecks: I don’t want to see what’s going on, but I can’t look away.
Topics Hingston touches on include terrible children’s names and the endurance of love in the face of an Ed Sheeran ballad. The problem with the millennial workforce, Hingston argues, is that her generation were raised to battle through the ranks whereas the dreams of young workers rest on the shoulders of Zuckerberg and Jobs.
Their success turned on a dime, unfethered and unearned and so very undeserved.
Hingston goes on to dismiss the reading materials of millennials (heaven forfend we chose to read something more recent than the classics) and to blame a lack of exposure to older people for the shortcomings of my enarmored generation.
It’s not their fault, entirely. They haven’t been exposed to older people very much.
The answer, then, to our blight destruction of the workforce is to spend more time around older people.
But here’s the thing: I am comparatively young (my forever creakier bones suggest otherwise) and I have been raised in the technological revolution. I hate many of the classics (Pride and Prejudice can die in a fire), but I’m relatively successful at a relatively young age.
Surprise: people contain multitudes.
Ayahausca is a tribal, hallucinogenic tea said to have both spiritual and curative properties – a drug-infused fairy tale version of Lourdes, if you will.
White kids of a certain age are embarking on spiritual quests to try ayahuasca, presumably to escape the remits of their vapid lives. The sudden boom in demand is a curse to local traders: the ayahuasca vine used to make the tea is at risk of eradication in parts of Peru, with prices soaring to $250 per litre.
A vicious underbelly to the tea grows too: two boys died from drug-related complications, while there is a growing rate of predatory shamans raping and sexually assaulting women on the drug.
I’m sure that’s millennials’ fault too.
There is a whole argument around cultural appropriation of the drug and culture but going there would be terribly millennial of me, so I’ll let Biraci Brasil, leader of the Yawanawa tribe, speak for himself:
It is a daily fight for the preservation of our culture. Ayahuasca is not just a plant, it’s our ancestors.
3. The Olympics
Via Steve Burke, NBCUniversal CEO:
We wake up someday and the ratings are down 20 percent. If that happens, my prediction would be that millennials had been in a Facebook bubble or a Snapchat bubble and the Olympics have come, and they didn’t know it.
According to an article by Bloomberg, Burke’s viewership nightmare wasn’t quite realised, but he wasn’t too far off creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Viewership dropped 17% compared to the London games and viewers in the 18-49 demo tuned off en-masse, with an audience dip of 25%.
That’s bad, fyi.
Granted, the figures don’t take into consideration the way viewership has changed. I use my actual TV as a screen. I don’t watch anything live. I am part of the problem. But I’m also part of the solution.
While live figures were down, unique users streaming content on the NBC Sports app and NBCOlympics.com were up in large increments.
Instead of complaining about millennials, perhaps TV execs should focus more on the shifting media landscape and the delicate balance between online content and ads worth engaging with. Get with the zeitgeist and stop wishing for something that began to fade with the dawn of the internet.
And hey, millennials didn’t actually invent the internet – so there’s that.
4. The American wine industry
From the New York Post:
Wine consumption in the US is expected to drop this year after more than two consecutive decades of growth.
The annual State of the Wine Industry report (so that’s a thing), indicates that millennials are primed to leap-frog Baby Boomers as the core consumers of wine.
However, we’ve been trained to drink foreign wines so there are clouds on the horizon of the wine industry. Hell it’s tough out there: I’ve seen friends sipping €4 wine from juice boxes.
As per Rob McMillan, founder of Silicon Valley Bank’s Wine Division and heretofore mentioned author of the wine report, we’re on a cultural paradigm where Californian producers are primed to feel the loss most. “If,” he says, “Wall Street sneezes, the wineries get a cold.”
But millennials, though.
5. The song ‘Baby it’s cold outside’
I kid you not, the opening sentence of Bre Payton’s post about millennials in the Federalist goes thusly:
People are apparently upset by the lyrics of the classic Christmas song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” because it’s “too rapey.”
The questionable interpretation lies in the read of the song: does it detail the seduction of a woman who is playing the game and making up little excuses to leave as banter? Or is it a cautionary tale of a man who may or may not have put something in her drink?
Regardless of personal feelings, millennials (and SJWs) are to blame because being sensitive and consent-aware is the literal worst. (Remember that time noted pussy-grabber Trump became POTUS?)
Hotels are going for a new minimalist look that lacks even desks and closets, in the belief that young travelers don’t want more than a bed to sleep in.
Millennial travellers are eschewing small comforts like dressers and desks in favour of big TVs and fast Wi-Fi. I would have outright wagered that millennials are eschewing hotels for Airbnb but interesting data suggests that Airbnb hasn’t impacted hotels as much as previously thought.
Still, please continue to blame us for hoteliers cheaping out. It’s definitely our fault.
7. The movies
As an experience, that is.
In early 2016, the New York Post reported that AMC was considering the possibility of introducing “text friendly” cinemas. Rightful backlash ensued and a few days later, Adam Aron, CEO of AMC Entertainment, dropped the suggestion entirely.
It’s an interesting thesis (as above with hotels) on assuming what millennials actually want instead of considering a unified user experience.
8. The discourse and democracy (?)
Carl Diggler is Chief Political Columnist at CAFE and ertswhile writer of a rant piece on millennials that has the strapline:
CAFE’s Chief Insider Beltway Hack fires back at a generation of whiny narcissists and its unrealistic Tinder expectations
In his piece, Diggler compares voting to Tinder (with millennials swiping left on both Clinton and Trump), and uses phrasing like: “You see, Millennials, probably because they’re stupid, just don’t understand the two party system.” and “You got a degree in Gender Art? Great. We elder Gen Xers have a degree in a little something called Real Life.”
Please continue to minify any and all issues faced by everyone between the ages of 18 to 34(ish).
Part stinging riposte and part call to vote, Diggler leans into incendiary language for reaction’s sake but he mostly lands on condescension. However, there is truth there: millennials are notorious for not voting.
Had only millennials voted, Clinton would allegedly have won by a landslide. One in 10 voted in protest/or whatever for a third party candidate. 19% of cast ballots belong to millennial voters.
For all his ire, Diggler has a point: not enough millennials voted.
As it so happened, I was in Boston in November, right around voting-time, and on the Friday of my trip I stumbled into Boston Common where several hundred young people were quietly protesting Trump’s win.
One-by-one speakers rose to share their stories. They were gay or POC or trans or sexual assault survivors and each of them had a story to tell about kindness and survival in the face of Trump’s America. Blame millennials all you like for breaking America; it’s those same millennials who’ll fix it.
9. Everything and/or the world
Forever and always, amen.
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